To all the moms, adoptive moms, foster moms, spiritual moms, and strong and courageous women who have exemplified motherhood:

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!

Strength and honor are her clothing,
and she can laugh at the time to come.
 Her mouth speaks wisdom,
and loving instruction is on her tongue.
 She watches over the activities of her household
and is never idle.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also praises her:
 “Many women have done noble deeds,
but you surpass them all!”

-Proverbs 31:25-29

The airport felt a lot differently than the last time.

I was too distracted staring at her as to concentrate on the aesthetics of the place, but something didn’t feel right.  I went with her believing we were traveling together. As we were checking in, I looked around for evidence we were actually in the airport.  It just didn’t feel like it.

The check in booths, the airline representatives, the purposeless stanchions–all there—but we were the only travelers and there was no reason for any of it.

There was barely anyone in our surrounding areas, only airport staff, but my eyes kept being drawn back to her.  I just couldn’t stop looking at her.  She seemed nervous and so unsure of herself, very unlike her since she loved to travel.  If she had the opportunity, she would have been a flight attendant for a living.  As we walked towards the security check point, she stopped to hug me and say her goodbyes.  I peeked into the other room and noticed that’s where the rest of the other travelers were.  I realized I was no longer invited to join her to wherever she was going.  I was perplexed by what was happening.

As we embraced for the last time, she confessed she didn’t want to go, but she felt it was her time.

I woke up this morning, the day before Mother’s Day, thinking it wasn’t the first dream I’ve had with her in the airport. Perhaps because she found flying thrilling and it’s precisely how I’ve chosen to remember her.

The night my mom died, I dreamed I said my goodbyes in the parking lot as she boarded some sort of shuttle that would take her to her gate of departure.  I almost didn’t make it on time, but alas, she said “I’ll see you soon” as she handed me a gift card to buy healthy and organic food… very much like her!  (She was always concerned about my well being, sometimes if felt a little too overbearing, but now I understand it came from a genuine heart).

I’ve had numerous other dreams where we tell each other goodbye.  We also had real moments before she passed to express how much we meant to each other.  I was able to tell her I loved her every day until the day she drew her last breath.

Next month will be a year since I last saw her.

And this IS the first Mother’s Day without her.  She may not be here physically, but it’s clear she still holds an enormous part of my heart and my soul.

As all the other holidays, I had been looking forward to Mother’s Day so we could finally get it out of the way; it’s like ripping masking tape off one’s arm, the faster we do it, the less pain we feel.  But grief is a tricky and unpredictable thing.  One day, we feel fine and invincible, but the next day we could go back to stage one and start from zero.  I have learned the best way of experiencing such pain is to plan it and confront it head on, without drowning in the overwhelming waves of sorrow on our own.

Grief lies to us by telling us we are alone and no one in the world could ever understand us.  It make us think our pain is unique and more unbearable than the other person’s next door.

It’s all a lie.

At some point in our lives, we will all grieve!  Grief doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t care for the details like we do.

I understand being sensitive towards someone you know might be going through it, but I implore you to stop falling into the cracks of political correctness.  I’ve been skeptical about writing this post because the last thing I want is to bring someone down who is already grieving.  But let me be clear, this post is mostly directed towards you who are not. 

If you can take anything from reading this, I want you to go all out and celebrate with the loudest bells and whistles you could find!  I know I would if mom was still here and my only hope this year is for you to have that moment with yours.  We don’t know the day of our departure, so I implore you, celebrate like it’s the last Mother’s Day you’ll have with her.

Because one thing I can tell you now is this:

I wish had known that last year…

I wish I had known when she called me that morning and told me she wasn’t feeling up to cooking us breakfast that morning.  (This was a major red flag as she LOVED to cook, even when she wasn’t feeling like it).

I wish I had known when she decided to stay home and not go to church, which she never wanted to miss.

I wish I had known so that I could have stayed with her instead of leaving to church by myself, without her.

I wish I had known when she told me it had been weeks since she ate her last meal.

I wish I had known a week after Mother’s Day she was going to have a surgery that would accelerate her death.

I wish I had known.

But I could either live a life full of regrets or tell you not to miss the opportunities life brings you to tell those you love how much you appreciate them.

And it doesn’t have to be on Mother’s Day because it’s never too early and it could very well be too late.

Get the pinkest balloons, the prettiest flowers, and the most delectable chocolates and write mom a heartfelt card, please tell her how much you love and cherish her.  Squeeze her and never ever let her go off your embrace.  My mom used to squeeze me so much until my insides started hurting and I remember begging her to stop.

Now I wish I never did.

Post those cliche pictures with your moms or with the strong women who have provided you a greater maternal influence.  Don’t be worried if you offend people who have no mothers or can’t be mothers or don’t have a good relationship with their mothers, it isn’t your job to be diplomatic towards us, but it is your duty to wholeheartedly celebrate all mothers and strong women in YOUR life.

And I will go as far as to say: you will not offend me if you do, you WILL actually offend me if you don’t.

My first Mother’s Day as a mommy, I recall reading an article which made me feel guilty for feeling special that day.  To add to my list of mommy guilt, I felt so self-conscious about wishing someone I didn’t know “Happy Mother’s Day,” so I didn’t.  I kept thinking “will I offend someone?” or “perhaps I need to be sensitive to those who don’t wish to celebrate.”

When we grieve, we can indirectly place this undeserved pressure on those who are not and I want to sincerely apologize for this.  I don’t think it’s our intention to put you down when you have something we no longer have.

It isn’t about us, it’s about THEM!

I’m sure that wasn’t the author’s intent either, she was probably wanting to spread awareness about those who grieve and those who deal with infertility, but instead of giving you a list of why people dread a day like Mother’s Day,  I rather tell you this: Don’t censor your joy around me because you feel sorry for me.  That would be incredibly selfish on my part.

I know mom can give you a really hard time sometimes (or all the times, really).  There are times she drives you crazy because she always pulls the “mother knows best” card.  She obsesses over what you are eating and how you’re feeding your children.  She might even think she knows how to raise your children better than you do.  She might not always show you the respect you expect as an adult because somehow she still sees you as her baby.

Or perhaps, you and your mom are not in good standing and no longer converse.  If there’s a chance for reconciliation, take it.  Forgiveness is the best and most priceless gift you could give her that no Hallmark store could ever sell.  I know life can be difficult and unfair, but I pray there are also strong women in your life you can shift your gratitude to: a mentor, a teacher, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a mother-in-law, you name it.  Anyone who has demonstrated the gentleness, the kindness, the compassion, and the unsurpassed love of a mother, this can be your opportunity to tell her how much you appreciate her.

It isn’t about burying your hurts and pretending all is well, but merely about being aware of who’s around you and how they are impacting your life.  Don’t take them for granted, they will not always be there.

Your mom doesn’t have to be the one who gave you birth.  Birth-giving doesn’t qualify anyone to be a mother.  Don’t get me wrong, labor is excruciating; it is amazing how much strength God gives us to do such a hard thing!  But there are an incredible amount of mothers who never went through such process, and did the harder thing by providing a home and all the love necessary to raise and nurture a child, especially when they didn’t “feel” like it.

Therefore, don’t mistake our power as moms:

We may not give life, but we have one of the toughest and most thankless job on this earth: to sustain it and nurture it. 

The Spirit is the one who gives life. The flesh doesn’t help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life.

-John 6:63, CSB