He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
There are dates in our lifetime we will never be able to re-live or erase as much as we wish and as hard as we pray to God. Today is the second day of Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, I now live knowing this horrendous disease takes wives from their husbands and mothers from their children with no sense of compassion.
All types of cancers are hellish, but there’s so little information about Ovarian and it is often not discussed as others. September happens to be #ovariancancerawarenessmonth
According to the American Cancer Society, 22,280 women will receive a new diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer. About 14,240 will die from the disease. Women in their 60’s are more prone to being diagnosed and have a harder time fighting it than younger women.
Ovarian cancer accounts for 3% of cancer among women, but it causes more deaths than any type of cancer of the female reproductive system.
Ovarian is one of the toughest ones to beat. In my mom’s case, she was in remission for over a year before it hit her again. Doctors had lost hope the second time around. The statistics of someone battling Ovarian Cancer are not in their favor; the estimated (average) time of survival is actually three years.
My mom passed away in June 2016, she made it short of three years since diagnosis.
There are some dates that will be imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. When a loved one is battling cancer, she is not alone. We battle together.
The days are long but the years are short…
August 3rd, 2013–I remember it like yesterday. My dad called me one Saturday night because he had to take my mom to the ER. She was having terrible abdominal pains and she hadn’t been able to eat a full meal without feeling bloated. My mom was the stubborn kind when it came to medicine because she always opted for natural alternatives. A trip to the ER was against her will, but my dad was worried because he had never seen her suffer like that. I was still at work that night and couldn’t check my voicemail until after I had gotten out.
When I called my dad, he was crying because of what doctors discovered. My mom might have some sort of pelvic cancer.
They weren’t 100% sure, but a surgery had been scheduled for August 20th, 2013 and her first chemo session was September 23rd, 2013.
October 1st, 2013–A new promotion to management at the restaurant I was working kept me busy and distracted from the pain we were enduring as a family. It felt numbing; but I was asked to work endless hours and I accepted the challenge because I was able to push away the thoughts of my mom possibly dying from Ovarian Cancer.
It took a year for my mom to be “cancer-free,” but the constant doctor appointments and the occasional chemo sessions never stopped.
On August 4th, 2014–Kenny and I found out we would become parents; Joshua Isaac graced us with his presence April 8th, 2015. For a whole year, I had my healthy mom to myself. She took care of me during my pregnancy and then she devoted herself to helping me care for Joshua when I returned to work. I thought God had saved her for this moment, her grandchild was the best cure and therapy during this last year. Joshua granted her purpose and gave her a reason to fight cancer until she drew her last breath.
September 2015–She was advised to take some chemo sessions because her cancer cell levels were abnormally above the standard. We didn’t think anything serious was happening since she had been taking some sporadic sessions and they seemed to work. Sometime around this time she had taken the BRCA1 & 2 tests to determine the cancer risks for me, but thankfully the tests came out negative. If I’m ever diagnosed with cancer, it isn’t due to an inherited gene mutation.
Christmas 2015— My mom hosted us for dinner and made her incredible pot roast. In the last years, she wasn’t able to cook as much as she had in the past, but she still rocked it!
New Year’s Eve 2016– We rang in the New Years together in their apartment with champagne and we huddled around the TV to watch the ball drop. The beginning of 2016 promised health and full restoration, my mom felt confident in not finishing her last treatment because she felt fine and her levels miraculously went down.
We celebrated her last birthday on February 6, 2016– she had turned 64 years old.
We had a wonderful Valentine’s dinner on February 14th, 2016, at a small Italian restaurant, with Kenny, my parents, my brother, and our children. I remember leaving that night thinking how blessed we were to celebrate all together and hoped it wouldn’t be the last time we would sit at a table with each other. But it was.
On February 29th, 2016, my mom gave Joshua her phone and he accidentally called me. I noticed I had a voicemail from my mom, she simply said “Hi Joshua!” Then click…
I called her back to make sure they were ok. They were. Joshua was just playing with her and he had just happened to call me.
This same incident happened on March, 3rd, 2016, but this time I can hear my mom singing to him a popular Spanish nursery rhyme.
I thank God I kept her voice saved on my phone because Joshua will always know who grandma was.
March 17th, 2016–I got rear-ended by one of the neighbors in my parents’ building as I was parking my car to pick up Joshua. I remember that day because this is when my mother’s health started deteriorating again. She had asked me to pick Joshua up as early as possible because she was feeling sick, but with the accident, we didn’t leave until late that night. The person who rear-ended me fled the scene and I had to wait for the police to get there and track her down.
March 20th, 2016– Every time I change Joshua’s diaper I am reminded of this date as I stare at his Baby Dedication Certificate on his changing table. My mom had started losing her memory by then and she had forgotten about Joshua’s dedication. The ceremony was about to start when I called to see where they were. They were on their way to Miami, but decided to turn around for it. I’m so glad she was there for this moment!
April 8, 2016–I set up Joshua’s birthday party with tears in my eyes. I was hoping my parents would be able to celebrate with us, but that wasn’t the case. I felt guilty for having a party as my mom laid in a hospital bed and my dad was told my mom had three to six months to live. Cancer had spread to her stomach.
We FaceTimed when we sang him Happy Birthday, but my mom had to hang up right after because she wasn’t feeling well. I tried to hide how I was feeling until I broke down when the end of the party was approaching. I thank God for providing two mommy friends to hold my hand through this moment… for once, I was told it was ok to cry. Working at a church, I had been told not to be so emotional and I was doing a good job in keeping my feelings in check. Little did I know, I was just hurting myself more living in denial. This is around the time when I started accepting the truth: my mom could actually die from cancer.
April 16, 2016– We finally took Joshua to see his grandmother. She sang to him all his favorite songs and cuddled with him. Although doctors were saying she didn’t have long, we believed the battle wasn’t over. She seemed strong and ready to fight.
May 6, 2016– After staying a month in the hospital, I took my mom out to run some errands with me. She insisted in buying me new work shoes. We walked around the Promenade until she felt weak and needed to leave. But before we left, she needed to do one more thing. She had purchased a blouse from her favorite store and needed to return it because she didn’t like the way it fit her. The first attempt to return, the sales rep at the store convinced her to keep it. For the first time in my life, my mom expressed to me she was afraid of going back there because she didn’t want to face the sales rep. I was stunned! My fearless mother who had been battling cancer for nearly three years and had even told me she wasn’t afraid to die couldn’t look at this lady’s eyes and say: “I don’t want it, please stop convincing me it looks good on me…”
I had to drag her into the store with me and I told her to use her cancer story if the lady kept insisting to keep the blouse. My mom wanted me to talk to the lady, but I told her I wasn’t going to fight her battle. As expected, the sales rep gave my mom a little resistance and my mom finally said it: “I’m dying from cancer, I lost a lot of weight and I don’t like the way it looks on me… please take it back!!” I stared at this lady with a stoic face which demanded her to do as my mother said.
I was so proud of my mom!! She left that store knowing she was no longer afraid of anything.
May 8, 2016– Mother’s Day. I didn’t realize this would really be our last Mother’s Day, but it was. As I was driving to her apartment, she asked me to stop somewhere to grab some breakfast for us because she didn’t feel like cooking. Looking back now, my mother feeling like she can’t cook was definitely a red flag. We watched church service from home and she played with Joshua until it was time for me to go.
I didn’t realize this would be it. These were the last pictures we took with her.
May 9, 2016– It was my parents’ 35th anniversary, but it is also the day she received her last chemo session.
May 10th, 2016–My mom had another episode. Nausea. Vomiting. This would be the day she was admitted to the hospital without knowing she’d never be released again…
May 16, 2016– A simple surgery turned into a nightmare. We were told if she survived, it would be a miracle but it wouldn’t be long until she died. They were just trying to place a tube that would allow her to eat normally and regain some strength. Unfortunately, a hole (punctured during an endoscopy) in a tumor was discovered and the surgery had to be stopped. A second emergency surgery happened later on the day, which ended up extending her life for another month or so.
June 5th, 2016– Our bags were packed and we were ready to go on vacation the next day, but a random doctor told my dad my mom was going to die anytime soon. She had a high blood pressure, 103 degree fever, and her lungs were filled with liquid due to inactivity… all fatal signs. We had to cancel our vacation and pray the hotel would refund our money after booking a non-refundable rate. They did.
Later that night, she would be moved to a bigger room. A room that also served as a hospice, but for patients who don’t make it overnight. I spent the night there with her. We read the Bible, we worshiped God together, and we had “the talk.” This is when she expressed to me she knew her time was coming and she thought God had prepared her for her “homecoming.”
June 11th, 2016– I woke up to Switchfoot re-tweeting my tweet! “My mom’s cancer is where the light shines through.” I also got my tattoo in honor of my mom. A tattoo she refused to see. This was also the day she was moved to a real hospice room in another hospital closer to where I live.
June 14th, 2016– I prayed today wouldn’t be the day. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my birthdays knowing my mom had died that day. I spent the day with my mom and dad, but Kenny threw me this awesome surprise 30th birthday party in the evening. Although I didn’t feel like celebrating anything, I had never felt so much love and care from a group of people… and my husband who was trying everything under the sun to cheer me up.
June 19th, 2016– Father’s Day. This day seems like a blur. It is the last day I spoke with mom because she spent the next four days sleeping. Her brother came to visit. They had a turbulent relationship, but she finally forgave him for everything. Her last words to me were: “Today, there was healing.” She was full of energy that day and we honestly thought of taking her out of hospice.
June 22nd, 2016– My dad kept fighting to have an alternative doctor try one more thing before giving up. But this was the day I knew it was over. God had given me a specific verse to prepare me for what was about to come. I wasn’t planning on going to see her this day until the lights in my bathroom flickered a few times. I woke Joshua from his nap and we stormed out to see my mom for what I knew it would be the last time. My dad asked me how much longer I thought mom had. I told him, “not long… it could happen now, it could happen tomorrow.”
June 23rd, 2016– I went to work and planned on getting trained on a new POS system that was about to be installed the following week. My brother texted me in the morning to let me know mom had a few hours left in her. I refused to be there when it happened. Everything this lady was saying about the new system went over my head, all I kept thinking was to focus… but my mom was all I could think about. Kenny insisted for me to go and be with my family. I listened and left the building at 12:20pm. The radio started playing “Revelation Song,” and I could hear it was very staticky. I sang it loud knowing my mom was singing it with the angels.
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You”
I looked at the clock, it was 12:25pm. A minute later, my brother called me. I declined the call and turned around to pick Kenny up. I told Kenny my mom had passed. As I waited for him to come out of the kitchen doors, I saw my brother texted me: “mom is gone.”
My mom died at 12:25pm.
July 1st, 2016– “A Life Lived Well: Sonia’s Memorial Service,” we celebrated my mom’s life. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception.
July 5-7th, 2016– After coming back to work to an admin role, I discovered a few hurtful details that would lead to my departure from my job and ministry of seven years. But I still intended to come back and find resolution.
July 8th, 2016– Switchfoot released “Where The Light Shines Through,” which would help me get through these times of grief and hurt.
July 13th, 2016– After much prayer and an actual meeting that took place with no resolution, I made the painful decision to resign and leave my second home.
Forgiveness wasn’t just something I witnessed my mom do before she died. She was just passing on the torch of forgiveness to me… I just didn’t realize how much it hurt.
And the only tattoos I have are scars
I got your name written on my heart
And the story that brought us here ain’t the thing that changed, no
Aside from holidays and birthdays, those are the dates scarred in my heart forever.
The person who battles cancer–any type of cancer– is, in my eyes, a hero. But no one talks about the sacrifices of a family who has to walk through this painful valley. The husband who loses his job because he’s torn between making ends meet and being present with his wife on her last days; or the son who lives life with much regret and prays for his mom’s healing so she can witness his transformation; or the daughter who feels she is losing at this work-motherhood balance and has been counting on mom to teach her all her secrets; or the son-in-law who has never experienced death in such a way and is left having to comfort and support a whole family now.
Not only do we sit and wait for the day it happens, but we must also deal with every day life struggles that sometimes will take us away from what matters most. Then this duality of guilt and relief comes, not because she’s died, but because she’s no longer suffering.
Now we courageously await for the first holidays without her and hope they bring us less bitter and more sweet times.
The Day I Found God (From “Where The Light Shines Through”)
By Switchfoot
The morning comes like an enemy soldier
I feel the weight across my shoulders
I feel the shadows getting colder
But that ain’t youThis noose ain’t getting any looser
I get so fearful about the future
I hear the shame of my accuser
But that ain’t youI found strength but it wasn’t what I thought
I found peace in the places I forgot
I found riches ain’t the things that I had bought
I found out
The day I lost myself was the day that I found GodI get caught chasing my own illusions
I get so lost in these confusions
I keep on looking for my own solutions
But that ain’t you, that ain’t you noMy enemies weren’t the ones I had fought
My liberties weren’t the freedoms I had sought
What I learned weren’t the lessons I’d been taught
I found out the day I lost myself was
The day that I found GodWhere is God out in the darkness?
Cause the voices in my head ain’t talking honest
They’re saying maybe you made us then forgot us
But that ain’t you, that ain’t you noAnd all I know is that I still don’t know a lot
I don’t know how it ends I’m in the middle of this plot
Yeah and I found grace for the man that I am not
Yeah, I found out the day I lost myself
Yeah, I found out the day I lost myself
Yeah, I found out
The day I lost myself was the day that I found God
Ally Velsor 